Aww, this is where I try to convince myself that my love for the gym is stronger than my love for navy lads. I will be the first to admit that I can’t resist a guy in bell bottoms; they provide great bants, and unintelligible chat that I just spend half my time nodding and laughing at northern accents. But, I do try to focus more on fitness-related goals than going on dates, because when has a dumbbell ever let you down? Gym is always a necessity, whilst men are an accessory (cor someone print me on a Primark T). As someone whose appearance is consistently gym attire, hair in a bun, bandana on, and wearing nerdy glasses it’s kinda hard to come across a guy who lusts over that. Albeit, if they do somehow find me attractive at my sweaty worst, imagine what they would think about my best *heart eyes emoji*. The contrast between Gym and Party me is so intense that on a night out I will stand there waving at someone whilst they are thinking “who the f*ck is that weirdo waving at me”. So, what use am I going on a date when I will end up unintentionally Catfishing some poor bloke.
As a ‘guys girl’ men are mostly just entertainment on a night out and, sometimes better friends to have than girly girls. With that said, I am fairly certain my lad-like banter is responsible for me being friend zoned *sarcastic bro fist*; though, being described as one of the lads but better because I have boobs is something I guess. Yet, when it comes to dating them, how do you do dis?? How do I get out of that girl/bro status in the first place and become more than just a lad with tiddies?..
The concept of dating is great – who doesn’t love food or adventures? However, with dating comes anxiety. How do I sit there straight-faced whilst they try to figure out how a British girl – when with a tan looks like a hot Latino Princess – has āAfrican like hair”…ā I crimp it hunā isn’t really a great way of addressing the actual issue I have. Or, when you get comments like “your hairlines weird” (which is so often), I just respond “mmhmm yep” and act as if they haven’t [secretly] hurt my feelings. Whilst attempting to own my sh*t and ignore comments that knock my confidence, experiencing the aforementioned for years does put you off so many things, and meeting someone new is a biggy. Opening up to one person about something so personal is hard enough, let alone going through the dating scene opening up to multiple people. I would much rather turn up to a date wearing a bucket hat, acting like Kevin and Perry, just to distract them.
Especially when we live in a society whereby looks and image are so important that most of us compare ourselves to those ‘hot Instagram girls/guys’. I get told a lot its all about my personality overlooks, which is a bit of a kick in the face lets be honest, but at least I know I can provide top quality bants, vine references, and meme quotes even if I do look like a washed-up sloth. The big issue is, the majority of the time it’s irrelevant when we live in such a shallow society; whereby, if you arenāt looking like an insta model with 3k likes, you donāt stand a chance at their first glance. I mean I could be wrong, but that’s exactly how I feel, and I am sure I am not completely alone with that opinion.
Also, like what questions do you ask? āDo you like dogsā, āwhat’s your favourite colourā and, āso how much can you bench thenā are probably not the best to start with. Unless I get a few prozzies in me (prosecco; easy now) then yeah iāll chat about my love for raccoons for hours no problem. But this is it, dating would go much smoother for me if I were hammered – I’d have thrown all my insecurities out the window along with my dignity, that my only worry would be whether they still like me in the morning. This is why it is so important to focus on self-love before investing in someone else who will most likely cause you further upset. I mean that isn’t said for everyone, just for people who suffer the same insecurities and low self-esteem like me. You find this out the hard way, and I just happened to experience it at the age of 25.
One event remotely close to the concept of a date was the only time I have ever invited someone over I met from Tinder. Probably the worst thing you can do, because, unlike a date, you are trapped in your own home with a complete stranger – you can’t just leave your own flat if it isn’t going well. Completely sober and scared for my life, I can remember frantically pacing my living room ready to call him and bail. I was in such a faff I had a panic bath to calm the sh*t down. My anxiety was all over the place thinking: ‘what if he can’t find my flat’, ‘what if he can’t get parked’, ‘what if he takes one look at me, thinks I’m rats and is trapped because he can’t just turn around and leave’ (I never got round to asking what their first thoughts of me were, I trust it was nice though haha). As a cold-hearted b*tch by the end of summer, I thought something as easy as this Tinder meet would be fine; can’t hurt your own feelings when you have none y’know – oh the irony. A long story short, this cold-hearted b*tch actually caught big feelings for the first time ever (lol) and is still coping with the aftermath 8 months later. The scene where the Grinch finally grows a heart always comes to mind ha. Normally, when guys talk feelings to me it goes in one ear and out the other as I refuse to get invested, but for some reason this one was different. In all honesty, accidentally being dragged into something that wasnāt meant to happen is worse than straight up rejection; regardless of how fun it was. Although I would never ever put blame on them, it just brings up all these insecurities you had before and intensifies them. I have no regrets though, I had a blast and learnt to care for someone so strongly when I didnāt think I was capable. Iām growing as a person: Iām making gains, and getting back my own self-respect by telling boys off when I think theyāre being out of order. Yeah Iām not interested in getting to know anyone so soon because I have set the bar too high, but more so because I need that self healing first.
One huge positive to come from this experience that I should have probably had at the age of 15 and not 25 is….I now wanna boss the gym so frigging bad that in time they can look back and be like ‘dayummmmm that’s what I am missing’. 100% they won’t think that way, but in my mind, that is currently what motivates me to choose weights over dates.
Me, Myself & Insecurities 